TOWIE

What is it about The Only Way Is Essex that has made it such a hit?

When I was little, I loved Dynasty.

I was off work today and managed to catch an old re run on CBS Reality!
It was the episode where Alexis Carrington-Colby-Dexter and Krystal Carrington fell down a mountain, into a strategically placed muddy puddle. 

Their hair and make up was still perfect after falling fifty foot and Alexis managed to strut away in her Yves Saint Laurent power heels!


I still adore Joan Collins.  She is such a classy chick, even after her dodgy early films, The Bitch and The Stud.  If you get a chance, watch her interview with Piers Morgan, shown on ITV last year.  Even S sat and watched it with me. 

I was never into Dallas but I know most people preferred that to Dynasty.  It was the same deal, the over the top outfits, glamour, big hair, glamour, squabbles, glamour, money, oil, power, glamour, glitz and glamour with drama thrown in for good measure. 

I love the way they all had just one expression,and this was before botox.  When they got a closing shot, at the end of the scene, they'd stare just off camera, looking pensive (Krystel), confident (Alexis), troubled (Blake), smouldering (Kate O'Mara's character, Caress) plastic (gay Adam) plastic (straight Dex) plastic (Sammy Jo) and soooo plastic (Prince Michael) and as for Dallas, berserk (Sue Ellen) and manic (JR).

Much later on, the nearest thing to Dynasty and Dallas I think was Sex and The City. 
  
Yeah Carrie and Miranda's lives were interesting but it was the fashion and the more astonishing the outfits, the better! It was probably what kept us hooked.  Long before we cared about the intense relationship between Carrie and Aiden and Pete the dog, we were in love with the Manolo's and the Choo's!

Sex and The City was alot more reachable than Dynasty, even if we had to settle for more budget- friendly replica's from Top Shop, we could definitely take influences and work with them.

Now though, well, we have something that you can actually join in with! The Only Way Is Essex.

You can actually go there.  Hang out in the same clubs and even pop into Amy's salon to get a spray tan, possibly even by the girl herself!  I have it on good authority, my 'nephew' Joe told me that his friend has a weekend ritual daahhn The Sugar Hut, Faces & Deuces.  But I fear that he is taking the characters seriously and maybe even wants to be like them. Dear God!?!

The Only Way Is Essex, or TOWIE as it's affectionately been shortened to, is a phenomenon.  It's rubbish, cringe worthy, funny, unbelievable and sparkly in equal measure.  It even has a bit of sadness thrown in which was most unexpected when I first started watching it.  I think poor young Lucy is possibly the most real personality in the show and has probably so far, shown the most real and honest emotion. 

Would we want to watch episodes of Lucy and similar characters alone? Doubt it! It's the slightly unhinged, questionable behaviour and narcissistic pea cocking that keeps us tuning in.

Who on earth actually wants to be like Lauren?  The orange face, fake lashes, fake hair, fake attitude, over emphasising your s's, (think sssupernanny's 'totally unassseptable').  And to top it off, being treated like that by a man/boy ON CAMERA!  And then there's Sam!!!! Oh Girlfriend WTF??? I thought you were ok til you left your mate Lucy, embarrassed and in tears coz you are 'in love' with the very man/boy who reduced her to search an emotional wreckage.  THEN, in the very next breath, arranged to meet him and after he'd proposed to mahogany girl, told him you 'loved him'.  Why? What do you think will come of it? What do you think will come of it? If he turned round and said, "actually babe, (coz that way, he doesn't call you by each others names), I will un-engage Lauren and marry you".  What sort of life will you have and why don't you care?  They are so weird. Like creatures from another planet. They are so materialistic aren't they? 

Saying that, I love watching Arg, Amy, Harry.... and I really am starting to love Lydia!  Old droopy lids. 
 
I also can't waaaaaait to see the transformation of the new recruit Paloma, at Amy's Salon.  I wonder if she will be the one to spilt Mark & Lauren up?  And what about the car sales woman Gemma? What a strange animal she is.  Will Harry find love? What will poor old Popey do now Kirky's dumped her? He looked genuinely upset but I couldn't tell if she was upset or not.  She is so unreadable.  BUT..... the worst and most disgusting character has gotta be ChloeJoey !!! They are two people but they are the same being really aren't they? The teeth, hanging out of that bony face like a bunch of bananas and the inflated boobs on such a skinny body look like they are made of china, like they'd crack! And errr, Joey.  He actually makes me angry.  I would be so upset if my son turned out as shallow as him.  And what is up with that weird side parting? "I'm interested in politics.... cities n that...that's politics yeah"?  He's such a dickhead!

 Ignore me, I'm just jel. I love it. Shu uuuuup!

OH JUST SHU' UUUUUUUP!

OH SHU’ UUUUP!

In my job I take calls from ‘vulnerable’ people.  Some are actually vulnerable and need help, advice and guidance.  I think I’m good at my job and I try to help these people and if I can’t, I harass others who possibly can.

Some customers, a majority I think, are ignorant and have bred before they have grown up and learnt anything themselves.  These ones seem to have no social skills, just like their parents, who became parents too young as well, as learnt from their parents.  It’s a nasty cycle, fed by housing benefit, red tape and social services.  This is just my opinion.

I answer the phone and they shout.  They don’t introduce themselves, or inform me of their address.  They don’t even acknowledge me by starting the conversation with, “Hello”.

It is a real drain, talking day in, day out to these people.  They are energy sappers.  It’s true that being around negativity has a detrimental affect. If I have a few days off, I can really appreciate having decent conversations, with decent human beings. Then it’s back to work and back to the imbeciles.

For example; If a light bulb blew in your living room, what would you do?  I am hoping that you’d remain calm, turn it off at the switch and change it, wouldn’t you?  Well, more than once, I have had calls from angry people, who seem inconvenienced by this event.  They sound like they are p*ssed off with us for making the light bulb blow and want to know what we are going to do about it.  When I inform them that they just need to change their light bulb and that I am not going to pay for a new one, they often swear and hang up.

I don’t know if you heard about the ‘hilarious’ call made to 999 emergency services during the bad weather spell? A lady rang in a state of panic, shouting  because ‘someone has nicked my snowman’?  While the rest of the listeners laughed, I just thought yeah, it could be one of my customers.

There are loads of them out there. 

Sometimes they ring and shout because they’ve not paid their rent for weeks and they have been inconvenienced with a reminder letter.  They shout that they, ‘have been on holiday’, and so, ‘only just got the letter’ and find the contents, ‘out of order’. 

I am holding back from the rant that I have in me, ready to shout from the biggest soap box I can find in Hyde Park one day.  I don’t know why I am holding back because when you discuss this with 99.9% of people, they agree and often have examples to share with you.  Maybe it’s because jobs are like gold dust at the moment and people are so desperate not to offend, or appear politically incorrect. 

I was discussing it with S and we likened the customers to children.  Our two kids, both under 5 years old, constantly need us, “Mummy, Daddy, Mummy, Daddy, can I have a drink please”….”mummy, mummy, daddy, DADDY can I have something”? and get distraught over tiny things.  Like when we were all feeling jovial, about to leave the house for a walk on the beach and our son burst in to tears because he couldn’t find his plastic sword.  Well, because they are lucky enough to have no responsibilities yet, they get bored and have a messed up idea of importance.  My kids have the perfect excuse that they are just that, kids.

I think it is a very dangerous thing to play God but there is also an argument for sterilisation. 

As a punishment….a precaution, if someone has committed a crime, including something like cruelty to animals, or repeated anti social behaviour with violence, would it be such a bad idea for them to not be allowed to bring more mini- them’s into the world?.  Unless you’d be comfortable allowing this person to baby sit your own children, then how on earth can you sit there and deem them ok to be put back into society, or add to it?  Just as an example, poor Baby P.  Remember him? That photo of him in the blue jumper is etched into my memory and will remain there for ever.  Now, would it have been better if he had never existed?  If the monster who gave birth to him had not been able to conceive in the first place?  I definitely think so.

I feel that Judges and Governments, law makers, are completely detached and have no idea of what real life is like, so they should not be allowed to make decisions, if unaided by Police, Housing Officers, Teachers etc.  Normal, everyday people on the front line who have to walk on egg shells around the people causing all the trouble.
These repeat offenders will come out of prison and live next door to some poor sod who’s worked for a living, looks after his little castle, struggles like mad to pay his bills and has no one to turn to when the new neighbour keys his car.

I think the problem is lack of education.  I’d love to put my kids in a really good school that nurtures their skills, builds confidence and encourages individuality.   I work full time, so does S, therefore, we could never afford it.  I watched a little bit of Jamie Oliver’s programme about the perfect school. Nice idea but detached again.  Unless you have pots of cash, you have no option than to put your kids in nomal schools and hope that the teachers can be bothered to teach them basic skills. 

Another example for you; a family member was shocked to read through her daughters exercise book and notice spelling mistakes that had been overlooked by the teacher.  When questioned, the teacher said, “as long as the child is writing the words and recognising phonetics, we don’t mind too much”.  What the fcuk??? Talk about dumbing down ! We should be taught to aim high, not low. 

Anyway, the outcome of that conversation was that they skinted themselves for a few weeks and bought their daughter private evening lessons.  Her spelling improved ten fold in such a short space of time, (young minds are such sponges, absorbing everything around them – therefore must be protected and given direction) and the school took it upon themselves to hold on to her exercise book, as Ofsted were due for an inspection and they wanted to use it as an example of how brilliant their school is!!! YES I WILL OVERUSE EXCLAMATION MARKS !!!!!

The amount of kids who according to their parents, suffer from learning difficulties and behavioural problems is astonishing.  I doubt this is a true diagnosis as it’d be verging on an epidemic. If you’ve never been read to, your parents can’t read or write and you are sworn and shouted at and possibly exposed to media aimed at adults, then yeah, you might come across as troubled.  I don’t believe for a second that these very kids wouldn’t improve if they were given the chance to be kids and shown fantastic, magical, interesting things. 

My friend Linda says , “children are the flowers that grow in what ever soil we put down for them”…or words to that affect.   

So I have run out of rant.  You get my point though right?  Well, as I said, it is just my opinion.   I don’t know what the answer is.  Do you?

On a lighter note, I recommend Russell Howard’s Good News on BBC3 (or you tube) – it’s nice to read the fun news and hear about random acts of kindness occasionally.

Middle Aged Dress Hunts and Hangovers

I had been invited to the lovely Scottish Sharon's wedding reception but had nothing suitable to wear.

It was His, (S's) birthday on Friday but being parents of very young ones, we were so knackered that we ended up just farting into the settee, watching a film and eating pizza.

Saturday morning was the same as most Saturday mornings.  Because my work place is such a rigid environment, due to become even more strict, on my weekends, I hate to be hurried or given deadlines. 

Thus, we end up not leaving the house til 11am, much to S's frustration.

So, kids in tow, we drove to the shops to buy me a dress.  I hate bringing the kids with me as you cannot concentrate at all and end up getting very hot and very, very bothered.

S hates shopping, especially on his birthday weekend but offered to give me his valued opinion, (I'm sure his real reason was to keep me on schedule, so he wouldn't be left with both kids when the football started).

We rushed from shop to shop and I did actually go back to Top Shop and purchase the first dress I'd tried on.  I was concerned about the length but the fitting room assistant, all 17 years old of her, advised me that the dress looked lovely.  S also said I looked really 'hot'.  I imagine the heated look was due more to my rushing about in packed shops with two under 5's questioning my every move.

I bought the dress and some earrings and we left, dropping the kids at the grandparents so we could watch the football in the pub.

When we all got home for dinner, I excitedly tried my dress on with the nude heels I'd be wearing and to my horror, saw my middle aged arse poking out the bottom! BRILLIANT! I'd have to go back, on my own in the morning. First thing.

Sunday morning I heaved my tired body out of bed and without even brushing my hair, hopped in the car and sped off to the shops, alone.

It's weird when you are 38.  Your thoughts and feelings and views are conflicting quite often.  One minute I'll be leafing through Grazia, or Heat and giving my opinion on Jessie J's album, the next minute I'll be fretting about the state of young peoples spelling!

It can be a lonely experience, shopping for a dress at my age.  I exhausted the entire high street and by the umpteenth shop and 30th changing room visit, I really wasn't at my most patient.

Staff in Top Shop were really smiley, helpful and polite. Staff in most of the other shops were useless, vacant, rude and very, very young.  More than a handful of them made no attempt to hide their displeasure at the sight of a middle aged woman asking them for a larger size in a dress they probably wore the night before.  And in Debenhams, trying to find an assistant, just to tell you where the changing rooms were was task enough.  I forget which shop it was that, after locating the changing rooms by myself, I had to press a buzzer and 'wait for assistance'.  After nearly 3 minutes, nobody came so I threw the dresses on the floor and stomped off.  My mutterings becoming louder and swearier.  I must have looked like a mad woman.  I have worked in shops before and it's easy.  Just smile, help and don't look down your nose at the customers.

Anyway, all the dresses were really really short.  Who are all these fashion conscious Pigmy's taking over our high streets?  I ended up buying a long red silky maxi dress.  Ideal really coz the fake tan I'd applied the night before had gone badly wrong, leaving me looking like I'd eaten spaghetti hoops with my feet.

So, I got home, feeling like I'd been kicked in the back, (another gripe of middle agedness) and started to get ready , after eating my dinner that S had kindly cooked for me.

All agreed (S & the kids) that "Mummy looks  beeeeautifuuuuul"! and at that moment, I spilt a blob of cocoa butter right down the front of the plain red silk.

No time! I wiped it half heartedly, scratched my earlobes which had started to itch due to the new trendy earrings and waited for my friend Justina.

She arrived and said I looked lovely but 'maybe (I) should wear different knickers".  The knickers I had on, looked a bit lumpy.  I couldn't muster the energy so we left for the wedding reception.  Justina looking gorgeous and early 20's and Me, lumpy drawers, itchy earlobes and a stained dress.... I'm sure i was not the vision Chris De BLeugh had in mind when he wrote Lady in Red!

We got to Justina's house for her to fling on her dress and in a flash and just like that, she threw 4 perfect dresses out of her wardrobe and on to the bed stating matter of factly that "if you like any of them, you can take them, they're too big for me now"! Even with the underlying fat observation, those words were music to my ears and the pile of beautiful, KNEE LENGTH NOT CHEEK SKIMMERS before me were like gifts from a blessed fashion angel!

So, I ended up wearing a classy strapless number and it didn't even matter about the spaghetti hoop eating feet coz the full skirt kind of cast a shadow over them.

The night was fab.  Sharon looked beautiful and their first dance was everything it should be.  All my colleagues looked happy and slightly catatonic before the alcohol kicked in.  I got very, very drunk and danced with my 'nephew' Joe who 'reeled me in' with a dance move that would have had Patrick Swayze turning in his grave, (RIP Patrick).  Myself and Lola sang, (shouted) along to 500 miles in our best Proclaimers accents and Jo R did not fulfill the bet I'd conjured up for her, what with all the kilts wandering about.  Beautiful Janet the Witch has a delightful photo of us that she will not allow me to have, something to do with the odd growth she had developed under her face, just for said photo. 

Today, I shuffled into work like Ozzy Osborne, after stopping on route to buy The Daily Star, a tub of paracetamol and a bacon sandwich.  The lovely Dave allowed me to leave an hour early and I stopped to by veg & dauphinoise potatoes for S & my dinner, which I ate whilst typing this...mmmmn fillet steak.....a rare treat as we're saving for our holibags.

The kids are in bed.  Safe and warm, after I read them a very animated, theatrical version of The Cat In The Hat Comes Back.  I think being over tired and a little woolly headed made me more entertaining and they smiled a lot.

I'm now gonna sign of and go and cuddle S's head off.  Night night you lot and thank you for following me from my old blog zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Gordon Bennett!

I have spent far too long trying to set up a fresh blog that was not linked to my old blog... and I have finally managed... I cannot show most of my old posts on here, even though some of them are rather funny ;(  because the reason for me setting up deb a dee doo dah is so two revolting people can no longer read my posts.

So, I have invited my old followers and I hope they join.  I have no doubt lost a few regular non-following viewers but pheeewwwweeeee this is refreshing!!!

Nothing much to say at the mo coz I is well tired zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz