You're the One for Me Fatty!

I'm still fat and I've done bugger all about it.  Nothing proper anyway.  A half arsed toddle on the treadmill twice a week is not gonna shift 3 stone! 

I looked at the Weightwatchers website and followed one of their slimming tips by purchasing a large tub of low fat yogurt and popping it in the freezer to eat, instead of ice cream, with some berries.

Then it was bank holiday wasn't it?  Three whole days off work. Three whole days of not being told to take another call, or log your call on three different, equally time wasting programmes.  Three whole days of not having to communicate to people who cannot form full, coherent, articulate sentences. And three whole days to fcuk the diet off and disguise not being disciplined enough to go to the gym as, being a good parent who lavishes their kids with time and attention.  A good parent is a wobbly one!

Anyhoo, I am having to start again.  I shall start tomorrow as we had a bbq today and I ate and drank a substantial amount.  An amount large enough to not want to write it down and see how many guilty 'points' I had scoffed.

I will not join Weightwatchers. I have seen three friends lose a good amount of fat using this method and obviously there's that Jennifer Hudson being heralded in every Women's mag as having 'done it'. 

Those magazines are such wankers, they really are. 


MMN YOU TASTE LIKE CHEDDAR

 Poor old Natalie Cassidy's weight goes up and down like a whore's knickers and as it does, these magazines comment,

"Oh poor Natalie must be sooooo embarrassed after gaining 2 stone after she brought out those exercise DVDs...look, here she is eating a fat laden cheese sandwich...see how we've used a photo where she's just about to bite it and blink at the same time....aren't fat people vile when they eat cheese"? 

Then the next week, the same mag will show Fat Nat with a bit of lippy on and a posh frock and go, "Look at Our Nat...she's proud of her curves and we think she looks GREAT...she says she gets all the exercise she needs being a 'busy-working-mum' and says 'I just have a healthy attitude to cheese sandwiches', You go girl"!

Then, Fat Nat will miraculously lose 2 stone and look a bit pale and the mags will leap on her,

" Poor Natalie is obviously finding the stress of being a busy-working-mum too much to cope with.  A source told our reporter that "Nat often goes for weeks without eating more than a few cheese sandwiches", Our psychologist said, "Natalie needs to eat more cheese sandwiches if she wants to be a good role model for her new baby!

Then thin,pale Nat will pop on a bit of lippy and turn up at the Soap Awards and the same mag will report, "Wow look at the difference in Our Nat! Check out our photo of her just a few weeks ago, (see Fat Nat in lippy & posh frock) where she squeezed her wobbling, unhappy frame into a dress that our fashion expert says was, 'definitely too small for her'.  We think she looks GREAT and you can follow Nat's Cheese Diet on the following page!

FCUK OFF HEAT and NOW and REVEAL and CLOSER etc etc...

Anyhoo again, where was I??! Yeah I won't join Weightwatchers as although I have seen great results in some of my pals, I don't think they necessarily promote healthy eating. I think they kind of say, "eat just two mars bars and some of our low fat crisps a day but nothing else ...just aslong as you stick within your daily points".

I need something though.  Another friend had a stomach bypass operation and she's shrunk from a size 16 to a size 8...she does look fantastic, even though she shits herself if she eats too much sugar, (hmmmn, maybe that's the kind of deterrent I need)!

So, that's what I am gonna do.

Get back on the 'no shit' diet.  It's bloomin' hard for me to eat no rubbish though as I honestly didn't think I had the 'fat gene' and could always eat what I liked...as long as I teamed it with copious amounts of cocaine. I am most definitely NOT advocating that as a diet plan... just saying, age and being responsible has made my fat gene come out from hiding for 34 years. Now old 'Fat Jean' is like an unwanted friend who has outstayed her welcome! She truly needs to piss off now. 
So tomorrow, I will drink more water and eat more fruit and salad and go to the gym and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Alright?

The Tree of Forgiveness

All a bit nothingy today.

The weather outside (as opposed to the weather inside) has turned grey and murky.  There's been a bit of thunder and it rained heavily on my drive home from work, as though the sky had just realised it could take no more premature sun and warmth and had just burst in a fit of frustration.

I bought two bags of Transformer crisps for the kids, on the way to collect them from nursery and my back got drenched by cold heavy raindrops as I farted about with the kids car seats.

I turned my radio off so I could have a conversation with them on the 15 minute drive from nursery to home. J spoke non stop and A sat silently eating crisp after crisp.  She piped up occasionally to shout "ERE YAR...CRISP, MUMMY", over the windscreen wipers and the car heater.

We passed a man on a bicycle, with no helmet on and wearing shorts.  He was soaked to the skin and peddling hard into the down pour.  It made me feel very cosy and safe.  J was staring at the cyclist and looked concerned and shouted at me, "MUMMY? THESE CRISPS DON'T TASTE LIKE RACING CARS"!
"NO"? I shouted back, "WHAT DO THEY TASTE LIKE"?
"I SAAAAID, THESE CRISPS DON'T TASTE LIKE RACING CAAARS"!!! He bellowed.
"THAT'S GOOD THEN"?! I yelled.

We got home, ran through the rain, through the front door and into the silence.

Dry, quiet, warm and familiar.  The light does funny things to your eyes when you come in from outside and haven't turned the lights on yet.  There was a faint waft of hamster pee as I chucked the bags on the floor and started pulling small shoes of little perfect feet, (the kids, not the hamsters...he doesn't wear shoes but he does have tiny perfect feet).

"No telly tonight... I'll read a nice long story"... I said to J & A. 

The kids got washed and brushed and ready in their mis-matched pyjamas and I sat on the floor in their room whilst they sipped their little mugs of milk.

I read Town Mouse & Country Mouse.  The story was quite 'nothingy' too. A nothingy story to end a nothingy day.  I kissed the kids and closed the door.

I've been on ebay a bit. I also looked at before and after photo's of vaginoplasty operations and felt quite sick...someone had been talking about them yesterday and so I curiously checked what all the fuss is about.  I showed S when he came in from football and he looked a bit uncomfortable as well.

S is now cooking sweet & sour chicken stir fry & noodles. 

I cooked fish & chips yesterday, according to a Weightwatchers recipe.  I used polenta for the first time, (not placenta...there's no link to the vaginoplasty topic)... and I made wedges from scratch and baked them. The '20 min' cooking time was actually 55 bloomin minutes and I'd made the batter too thick but it was a 'good effort', according S.  OOH AND, I bought Coley fillets, instead of Cod.  The cod would have cost over a fiver each where as the coley came to £2.30 for both huge fillets...and it's sustainable, unlike the diminishing cod.  The only reason it's not as popular is coz the Cod is bright white, where as the coley is a little bit greyish. Tasted exactly the same. Please buy coley instead of cod or tuna next time...give it a go. Oh and polenta filled me with WIND!

Oh and the picture at the start of the post is called The Tree of Forgiveness.... I did a google search for 'coley' and that image appeared amongst all the fish. 
It has no connection to this post, apart from that clotheswise the couple in the picture are a bit 'nothingy'...but I just thought "OH WOW"! asI haven't seen that painting since I was about 5, in my aunties house...I was always a bit embarrassed coz of the nudity.  It's funny thinking about all the zillions of memories, words & images that your brain stores, unearthed for decades eh?

Anyway... I'm off to eat my dinner now.  Sorry for the boring, nothingy post tonight. ;)

Stoned Celebrities.

Remember I was gonna read my new boot sale purchases and do a sort of book review for you? No? Well I was.  It was our second to last precious day off today and so, after dropping the kids at the grandparents, we made our way to the beach with our books.

It's just a stony beach but it was lovely laying there, on a blanket, eating fish n chips for lunch and watching a middle aged man canoeing about in the sea.  It got us fantasising about having the luxury not to have to work and being able to answer people with, "oh me, dunno what I'll do today. Maybe I'll dust off the uni cycle and have a practice, or I might learn French, or bee keeping"!

Anyway, we were going to be grown up and read books. You know, look all booky and intellectual to passers by but after a couple of pages, I noticed how a pebble in front of me looked remarkably like Michael Winner.  I lost that one but he, (it) was white with a pompous, pursed mouth and teeny tiny slit eyes.

I then started digging around for other 'celebs'...

Ridiculously scraping the barrel with Chewbacca out of fishing line, fluff and sea grass;

"UGGGGGGH GAAAAAGHH"

"I am not an animal.......I am a human.....being"

The Elephant Man - John Merrick - see the sadness and fear in his eyes

"Dreams can come true"

Sunshine through my window...Yes, it's that famous one eyed songstress - Gabrielle!

Look closely....it's Free Willy!

AGGH!!! IT'S THE MASKED KILLER FROM SCREAM!!!

And lastly, her Blake was incarcerated...

It's everybody's favourite drug addict... after Keith Richards, Kurt Cobain and Pete Doherty...

They tried to make her go to rehab but she said NO! Three times!

Yes. it's Amy Winehouse!

Next week, I'll be finding vegetables that look like members of parliament....should prove easy!

Pineapples

Why do I always buy pineapples but never eat them?

They always end up being thrown out by S a fortnight later?

S even advises me not to make the purchase when we're in the supermarket but I just can't resist their tropical, spiky allure.  Their palm tree hairstyle and lumpy exterior.

I'm like a goldfish with a 3 second memory span where pineapples are concerned.  I forget that I never eat them and insist that I really fancy one and they are very good for you. I convince myself that we will have dinner and then instead of pudding, we will all have a big wedge of pineapple and we will all love it.

There's one in the fruit bowl now.  Untouched.

Potato salad is another one.  I always buy pots of the stuff and S says, "you'll never eat it. You never do". 

And strawberries.  I buy punnets when they're on offer and they get lobbed into the bin a week later, all mushy wearing new white fluffy jackets.

I tell the kids off for wasting food.  I have told J about the starving kids around the world who only have dirty water to drink and yet there I am, frivolously making impulse purchases, on loop.  Like grocery ground hog day.

Why do I do it?  S just pointed at me and stated, "because YOU have never been hungry, that's why"!

Right, I'll show him! I'm gonna join that group of freeloaders who rifle through supermarket skips and neighbours bins.  I won't really but I might make bubble and squeak tomorrow.

http://www.freecycle.org/search

Double Whammy

Here's Me & S posing for a pic as our 4 yr old son J has learnt on holiday, how to take photo's.  "Aw, not a bad pic",  we thought, 'til I noticed my Jeremy Beadle hand and our new holiday double chins... This is after just three beautiful weeks off work.  Imagine how large I'd be if I won the lotto?!

Boot Sale

I donnarf love a Car Boot Sale. 

S got the short straw today and had to contain our 4 yr old son, whilst I lucked in and got to push our 2 yr old in the push chair...(a necessity to allow for perusal of potential bargains).

I normally end up buying the kids a toy of some sort and often pick up a few items of clothing for A, (our 2 yr old) but today, I think due to the relaxing three weeks off work we're nearing the end of, I took my time and really rummaged through the books and films.

I ended up buying Meltdown by Ben Elton, (about a coke sniffing city trader who's fortunes take a big knock and how he deals with failure), Stephen Fry presents Oscar Wilde's Stories for all Ages, Russell Brands Articles of Faith, Tales from Shakespeare, (20 of his works, shoved into one book...I should hopefully be able to cope with Shakespeare in such bite size helpings), The Timewaster Letters by Robin Cooper, for years Mr Cooper has been plaguing department stores, groups, aassociations and a certain children's book publisher with a ridiculous array of letters about such trivialities as arranging a surprise clarinet party for his wife, designing scarecrows out of beef and the search for his lost shoelace.  He enviously has a lot of spare time.  Anyway, Ricky Gervais, David Walliams and Avid Merrion, among others,  have all stated how funny they found the book, so I had to buy it. Oh and I bought a DVD, Keeping Mum, "British comedy at it's best", screams the Daily Mirror...we shall see eh?

I'm sure it'll take me far too long to read and let you know what I thought and my reviews aren't exactly abundant in bouquets of linguistic blooms but I shall nevertheless, strive to recommend, or forewarn you!

Good day !                                  

If I Were Rich...

I haven't written for some time.  I haven't felt the need to write.  I realise that I write on my blog when my head is so cluttered by mundane, routine life that I just need to let my own thoughts out before they get completely squashed by the 9 - 5ness of it all.

I am on a three week break with my family.

Me & S both work full time (although I may not have my job soon, as a result of government cuts, forcing decent, hard working, put upon folk to reapply for one of 70 positions against 100 plus other people).  The work is not pleasant by any standards.  I have moaned about it before and I am not looking forward to slipping back into that drudgery again but it's a means to an end.

We never have time off together and hadn't had a family holiday until last week.  The four of us went to Malta for seven nights.  We stayed in the Ramla Bay Resort, in Marfa, near Melliha Bay.

It was hot but not unbearable, the private beach was strewn with rubbish but we reported it and it was cleaned the following morning.  The food was dire. A real feast of what they assume tourists want.  On one night, we were served raw chicken, twice and raw, watery fish three times. The 'entertainment' was the worst 1980's, lack lustre, desperate karaoke we had ever witnessed.

We honestly wish we were still there now.

It's truly amazing what time away from work can do for your soul.  We have rediscovered our little families spirit and have laughed and shouted and sung and been really loving and actually listened to each other.

It took a good two days before we had got into the swing of things and at least 4 days before we'd truly relaxed.  By then, we realised we had only three days left of sun, sea and sand, so we really made the most of it.

If I were rich, really comfortably loaded with cash and didn't need to work, or answer to anybody I didn't care about, life would be fabulous.  Life's pretty good now, don't get me wrong but my goodness, when you really relax, you donnarf connect with your nearest and dearest....and yourself!

When I was younger, pre S and motherhood, I travelled a bit, Oz, Thailand, Tenerife, Ireland... and so it felt very strange to be doing the whole package/family holiday and at first, I felt a little let down by it.  As I said, it took us a good few days to chill out and appreciate the break & surroundings.

Since we've been back home, we've been like a different family.  I've bought new books for the kids, S has drunk much less beer, the kids have been laughing and playing together so well and Me & S have been like loves young dream!  As i type, the kids are howling with laughter in the other room....hmmmn..

So...if you can, rediscover your immediate family.  The ones you share your home with.  They are the ones who probably get the worst of you.  We put on false smiles and forced politeness for strangers but snap at our families don't we?  We're making a real effort to lessen the amount of times we say, "in a minute" to the kids... Me and S are making the most of each others company and I even got a fishing license yesterday and we spent the whole day, 8am til 3.30pm by the lakes and I actually caught 8 fish.  the biggest was only about 7 inches long but when I was in Oz, by the Barrier Reef, I was the only soul who couldn't catch a thing, so I was made up and will be making it a regular thing.  We just sat and enjoyed the sounds of nature and oh..... the kids have just walked in and shown me exactly why they were howling with laughter....... looks like they've 'rediscovered' talcum powder!  Looks like I'm off to clean up! ;)