Bathing Beauty

I went swimming last night.

I think it might be the new temporary filler to fight the flab, whilst my fat anklets are recovering from supporting my thunderous weight.  I read that when running, your weight TIMES THREE is landing down on your foot every step you take!  That would be 36 stone of lard crashing down on my buckling anklets! I wonder if that was what Sting was on about in his breathy hit song from the 80's?

OUCH!

Anyway, obsessive that I am, I ordered my new Adidas running tights and they have arrived but I am as yet unable to wear them due to the old shin splint saga.  Instead, I was taken to the local swimming pool and instructed on how to swim for weight loss by my pal Lola Showgirl.

Lola Showgirl is a competitive sportswoman.  Not a professional but she is a qualified kids hockey coach and is competitive in everything she does. (CONGRATULATIONS BTW)!

So, I rolled myself into my modest swimming costume...after finally attacking the knicker side burns...and went.

We started of with breast stroke (4 lengths) then a couple of lengths using just legs whilst you hold a float out front.  Lola propelled along at a rate of notts and I honestly, could not move!   I promise you, no exageration, I kicked my legs up and down like a muthahugger and just sort of inched back & forth in the water.

Tos save time & embarrassment, she advised me to go on my side and 'scissor' my legs and I like to think that I glided through the pool like a swan, (on it's side with a float gripped under it's wing for dear life).

She was making me do lengths of breast stroke in between each change.

The best one was when I held the float between my thighs and just used my arms for two lengths.  It gives you a very small idea of how hard it must me for wheelchair users to build up the strength they need to get about.

I did a few back stroke as well and I must say that Lola was full of encouragement and not at all like Harvey Welland.  More like Mad lizzie actually.

Tonight I am going to try a Deep Aqua class.  Hmmmn, the smell of chlorine used to make me feel sick and nervous when I was little, so I'm not particularly looking forward to it and I am actually missing the sweat factor that comes with running when overweight but I will give it a go as I don't wanna stop now, just as things have started moving.

I am PARTICULARLY PEE'D OFF COZ FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON, I CAN NO LONGER STICK PHOTOS ON MY POSTS!!! I DID THE ONE ABOVE BUT CANNOT DO ANY MORE??!!

;)

Scary Stories...



Charlie - The actual ventriloquist doll I had when I was 7

I'm sure there was scarier stuff around when we were little.  I'm not talking about the stuff the media thrusts into our homes day in, day out without asking us.  I'm not talking about the obvious, evil people and events in the news and darker depths of the internet. 

There were definitely scarier toys for instance - like Charlie, pictured here.  He is the actual ventriloquist puppet I opened as a little girl one Christmas. He'd scare the life out of me now but then, I was so pleased with him.

And what’s happened to all those scary stories we used to hear as kids?

I'm talking about folklore. Eery tales of macabre and chilling happenings that older kids used to thrive on telling to younger kids. And that the younger kids would then try and scare their mothers with!  I remember one in particular...

I think I was about 10 yrs old in my legwarmers and navy body warmer, at Tina’s birthday party.  Tina had an older sister, Mandy.  After the usual party games & food, Mandy thought it’d be a great idea to gather us all around and tell us the tale of Epping Forest.

The room was hushed and we all stared at her as she started the tale…

 

“There was a young couple who’d decided to take a drive and ended up near Epping forest… (Mandy was only about 13 herself so her story telling skills weren’t that hot on detail, or atmospherics but us being 10  were hooked already)! and it was getting dark so the boyfriend thought it’d be fun to take a short cut through the forest.  They drove a little way in and it started getting really dark and the trees were thick all around them in their little car.  The girl started feeling uneasy.  A few minutes later and they were right in the middle of the forest when the car stalled and then died.  They had run out of petrol! They had a few cross words as the girl couldn’t believe her boyfriend hadn’t noticed they were running on empty. “Look” said the boyfriend, “you’re going to have to sit here with the doors locked while I go and get petrol. We passed a garage a couple of miles back. I’m really sorry but it’s too cold to just sit here til morning.  You’ll be ok, just don’t open the doors”.  They said there goodbyes and the girlfriend watched in the rear view mirror as her boyfriend jogged into the distance, gradually dissolving in the darkness.  The girl was really scared at first but kept talking to herself and reassured herself that everything would be fine if she just closed her eyes and had a little sleep. She managed to doze off but woke suddenly with a steady thudding noise on the roof of the car.  She was groggy as she realised it’d had just started getting light and she must’ve been asleep for a few hours. The thudding was then accompanied by a loud speaker, “This is the police, very slowly get out of the car and walk towards us. Do not look behind you! I repeat, do not look behind you”.  The girl looked in the rear view mirror and the wing mirrors and was startled to see three police cars, lights flashing, and several police men.  She did as they ordered and slowly opened the passenger side door and edged away from the car towards the direction of the Police.  “It’s ok love, just keep walking to us and don’t turn around, it’s alright” the Policemen said, stretching his arms out to her. The thudding noise continued behind her and as she touched hands with the Policeman, she couldn’t resist the urge to turn round.  There, on the roof of her car, hunched over, was an escaped mad man, banging something on to the roof of the car….as she looked closer, she realised it was her boyfriends severed head” AGGGGGGGH!!!

Now,  this story had never been in the papers and I’d never seen it on the news but we were all convinced that The Mad Axe Man of Epping Forrest was real and that particular event had actually happened.  It scared the life out of us and I’m sure we all went off and told numerous others and scared them witless.  This is how folklore works.  Gather a few gullible people together, create the atmosphere and convince them that the tale is real.

Since then, I have heard the one about the old woman hitch hiker who gets a lift off a sympathetic driver who upon hearing a news story on the radio, puts two and two together and realises this old woman next to him has huge, manly hands.  He tells the ‘woman’ he needs to stop to go for a wee and leaps out of the car and runs.  He returns a few minutes later with the Police in tow and the old woman has gone but she’s left a huge knife under the passenger seat!

More recently there’s the one about making sure you always check the back of your car before you get in.  One shopper didn’t bother and got in their car, drove some way down the road and started getting flashed by the headlights of a manic driver behind them.  They feared the driver but felt uncomfortable all of a sudden, as though they weren’t alone.  Screeching to a halt, they jumped out of the car at the same time the driver following them pulled up and waving frantically at them yelled, “there’s somebody in your car…quick, run, they climbed in your car when you went to pay for your petrol”!

Again, this was spread around like wild fire and it got everyone going, “FOR FUQSAKE ALWAYS LOCK YOUR CAR DOORS”!!!

Anyhoo, I was aware that I’ve been getting a bit ‘health food & exercise obsessive’ – (see what I did there Sphillips05) so I thought I’d change the subject.  I’d love to hear your scare stories from ye olden days.  Any tales that stuck in your mind from your childhood/teenage years?

I don’t want to hear real nastiness, or true stories… just the ones that made us go “OOOOHH AGGGGGH”. 

Oh and here's a scary thing... I've lost 3lbs! So I am now 11 stone 8lb which is the lightest I have weighed in two years - GOOD TIMES!  I went to run tonight and I have proper shin splints, so I did 10 mins of interval training on the treadmill and had to give in and do 10 mins on the crosstrainer - BAD TIMES!  If anyone knows a quick cure, lemme know please?

;)

'Ark at Me!

Would you Adam n Eve it?  I am actually rather excited by this little lot...

 

Nice, healthy food that I chose!



It's Saturday and what this used to mean was Domino's Mighty Meaty pizza followed by ben n Jerry's chocolate ice cream, with brownies and almonds AND CREAM added to it.  That wouldn't be the only thing I'd eat all day either, because we'd go to Tesco and do a 'big shop' which meant I'd overload the trolley with all sorts of tasty shit.  Sweets, chocolate, cake, different cheeses and dips for when the kids have gone to bed and Me & S watch a film.  Well, no more! 

I bought fresh, lean turkey to have with salad, instead of being lazy and just eating the spag bol that S was cooking for him and the kids...with grated cheese and garlic bread.  It does smell gorgeous though ;(

I also bought Burgen bread with soya & linseed, so i don't feel left out when the others have a bacon sandwich tomorrow morning for breakfast. 

My favourite new find is anchovies.  Not the nasty over salted variety but the ones in olive oil and chilli, or sundried tomatoes.  I discovered sundried toms when I was in Austrailia in 1999 and used to put them in foccacia bread with chicken, bacon and avocado.  That is still my favourite sandwich. Just superb and can actually be served for dinner too, coz it's so filling.  Even S loves it, minus the sundried toms though!

These little beauties are soooooo moreish and I'm sure they are good for you.  I know they are drizzled in oil and are probably naturally salty but they have gotta be better for me than crisps and chocolate.  Plus, I just tried to convince Linda (and her twaddle) that eating more fish and olive oil is great for cutting down cholestoral, rather than turning vegan, which she is considering after having her smug-low-cholestoral face wiped off by an over zealous doctor.

We also have a cherry tree that was given to us by S's Mum for Christmas.  It's finally started bearing fruit and so I'll be adding them to my yoghurt if the bloody blackbirds don't get them first.  We just shoo'd one away who was making off with one.  I wouldn't mind but the entire tree is only bearing four others so far!

The aftermath - Honestly, it was like a scene from Hitchcock's, The Birds!

Our lovely little cherry tree

I missed the gym yesterday and am not going today either, as the running expert/salesman recommended I lay off the treadmill for a couple of days as I have the start of shin splints but I am going to do Tracy Andersons Mat Workout this evening, after the kids have gone to bed...instead of cheese n crackers n dips.  It's hard but I'm feeling confident and S commented this morning that the whites of my eyes looked really bright and that I looked young! Whoop whoop!!!!! ;)

Apparently, I am an Over Pronator !!!!

I think that's how you spell it.

I am taking this slimming down shizzle seriously and after talking to Lola, ( a hardcore sportswoman turned domestic goddess/ bush diver - but not in a Leslie way), who has had it done before, I had gait analysis!!!

Yep, I waddled down to the Running Outlet and requested, "Good day to you sir! may I request on the partaking in ones analysis of the gait"? Or words to that effect and he said "YES"!

So, all unhealthy and puffy, after running from the car park to get to the shop in time, I had to explain to the semi pro runner/salesman 'why I was there'.

I felt foolish and frumpy as I blurted out. "Well.....I have just started running on the treadmill, not on the road, oh no, and...huh...huh.....I get terrible shin splints.....huh huh.....but I only run for about 20 minutes.......huh huh......so....huh huh....I reckon it could be time to change me trainers, (sneakers).......huh huh"

Salesman/athlete - Okaaaaaaaaaaaay - How long have you had them?

Me - "About twenty years huh huh huh"

Salesman/athlete - OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY !?!?!!! £££££££££££ $$$$ "

I believe if people can actually have money signs in their eyes, like in the cartoons, that I saw it today.  It's not a slur on him as he was really knowledgeable and really helpful and friendly BUT I suppose it's human nature and if you're gonna make a definite sale, you're entitled to show a bit of wanton capitalism now & again. 

My budget was £50 but I'd already told friends that I'd tell him, after the analysis, that my budget was £40 and then, maybe, I would stretch to £50 (£60).

So, I had to hop on the treadmill, in my work tights and work shorts but sporting their trainers.

What they do is they up the treadmill to about 10k and film you for 30 seconds.  They then ask you to watch it with them in slow motion.  It sounds pervy but it isn't. It's just a back view of your legs, honing in on your ankles.

Anyway, we watched me running and it was really surprising to see that naturally, my left foot in particular, rolls inwards.  It starts on the outer edge and rolls in. 

They then mark on the screen where your foot/ankle/ calf should fall and it's a straight line, so they can see from that line, whether you're over pronating, or neutral, or .... the other one I can't remember.  So my foot's completely rolling.

It was also confirmed to me that I have the start of shin splints.  This I suspected and after explaining my current running shoes to the man, he explained why I had them.

Anyhoo, blah de blah de blah and after trying on about 6 pairs of running shoes, varying from £74.99 - £129.99, I convinced the man that I really did only have fifty quid and so, after throwing in the out of date 'running' magazine (priced at £4.50), I promptly bought a pair of Adidas stability shoes for £74.99.

I like my new shoes.

I was quite excited with my new purchase and he really didn't seem like he was trying to get cash out of me at all costs.  I recommend getting the gait analysis done to anyone who uses a treadmill or runs outside.  It is true that we only have one pair of knees/ankles etc.

When I came home and showed S, I was met with negative comments re 'salesmen, £££'s etc' and I thought to myself, hmmmm, maybe, had S spent a few extra £££ on football shoes, his feet wouldn't be, "fcuked up" as he says and he'd still be able to play!

;)

Thin Me and Fat Me - THE SALAD DODGER !

I don't think I have ever thought to myself, "OOh I really fancy some salad".  It's just not in my make up.  The things I crave are meat, cheese, sugar, bread and chocolate.   

I've been blaming ballooning from a small size 10 to a very large size 14, (not huge but I have small bones and a humungous belly) and growing from 8.5 stone to 12 stone 2 lb, on having my children at a relatively late age, 34 & 36. 

See, I've always thought of myself as a natural small size 10 (UK) and always weighed about eight & a half stone. 


Crap dive but nice flat tummy!



Here I am at age 24 ish - 14 years ago...

A real scary test is showing your very young and very honest offspring, photo's of you in your prime and asking, "Do you know who that is"?

Actually, I say "in my prime" but the reason I was so thin and could eat what I liked with no exercise was that my diet consisted mainly of cocaine and Jack Daniels.  I was a bit mental, young, with other young people, living on a holiday island and I had no one to answer to.

The downside to being thin and tanned was anxiety attacks and brittle hair.  But, I looked great, I thought. 

Nowadays, 14 years later, (and this is very brave/uncomfortable and a mark of RIGHT, THAT'S IT), I look like this....

The wind is inflating my top ... a little!

At 38 years of age I resigned myself to the fact that having kids had unearthed the fat gene, or Fat Jean as I like to call her! 

The round, padded shoulders and chest and bloated face.  The huge tummy that I try to conceal with baggy tops.  Here it is actually being enhanced some what by a freak gust of Maltese wind, (we were on holiday in Malta - I hadn't farted from scoffing mountains of Maltesers).

So, whilst my girlfriends are looking more gorgeous and leaner as they near the big FOUR O, I had kinda given up, thinking that this was me now and at least I have my health.

XXXXL Muffin Top!!!

Here is another photo from the same batch.  My legs are ok and I know I am not enormous, so I don't want larger ladies, or people with thyroid problems having a go at me and thinking, "stupid cow"!  But, what I am saying is this, I honestly thought it was just down to age and babies.

I have destroyed numerous photo's of us where I just look AWFUL but had I looked slimmer and healthier, the pics would definitely be on show in family albums. One particularly unforgiving pic of me from this holiday, sunbathing in a bikini that I also wore when I was 9 stone, (and should not have really worn as it looks far too small now), is being kept as a sort of reference for when I do lose some weight.

I love the likes of Sophie Dahl, (before she shrunk) and Marilyn Monroe but I just don't look good with fat on my bones...not 3 extra stone of it anyway.

And another thing is that the looks stop.  I do not carry weight well at all and as a result, Christina Hendricks I aint and so I get absolutely no male attention at all.  This shouldn't bother me as I am with my soul mate and happily settiled but everyone enjoys the odd admiring glance from a stranger.  I remember at my thinnest and least healthy, a car load of Canarian lads stopped to let me cross the road and were staring so much that they crashed into a parked taxi in front!  In the words of Martine McCutcheon, "That was my moment"!

It's not just men who are less friendly to 'Fat Jean'.  When I attend Body Pump classes, I smile at people but often, they are frosty and clicky.  I'm not a local as I was born and brought up nearer to London, so I am not 'one of the gang' but still, I get the feeling that if I was super toned and lithe, they would probably smile back and strike up conversation.  I end up chatting a bit to the older ladies and the two older men that go. Appearance is everything to some people eh?  Very sad and very shallow.

The saddest thing, apart from missing out on loads of gorgeous fashion trends over the last 5 years due to the Baba Papa belly and bum, is that I have gradually stopped driving the hours journey to see my best friends, Sarah & Chareen because I just feel too fat and mumsy to be dolled up and socialising in a bar.  Isn't that bad?

I look at pics of Linda, my virtual friend of Linda and her twaddle blogging fame, and I read her posts where she peppers them with tales of numerous exercise classes, charity marathons and 'Tough Chick Challenges' and she looks amazing and she is nearly ten years older than me.  I just thought, "lucky b!tch, she has incredible genes".  And the same was thought about Sarah, "oh she hasn't had kids yet and she just has a fast metabolism"!  Porcelain skinned Chareen has decided suddenly to stop eating bread and cheese and just like that, whole stones have droped off her.  Again, I put it down to my pregnancies unsurfacing Fat Jean.

Poor me! NOT!

It just dawned on me last month that the reason I am unhappy with my appearance is because I eat like a pig.  Literally.

No wait! Pigs probably eat much healthier and far less than me. 

When I am thinking about food and what I might fancy for lunch, dinner, mid morning snack, mid afternoon snack, elevenses, brunch, evening snack, treat, weekend splurge, I think of food and drink like this...

I'd eat a whole large Dominoes Mighty Meaty to myself once a week, usually Saturday followed by Ice cream...with added cream

   

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Drinking litre bottles of this delicious muck piled on the fat over 2 Christmas



I LOVE fillet steak and pile on the dauphinoise potatoes too

extra huge Toblerones would last me two days!

 

On the rare occasion that I'd find proper powdered milk bottles, I'd scoff a family size packet in minutes



Macdonalds is far too convenient when I've been clothes shopping but not bought anything coz nothing fits

cheese - EVERYONE LOVES CHEESE - even our hamster and a packet of crisps with an added lump of chedder is great!

Nachos with chilli would give me the sh!ts but I just couldn't say no

Chinese takeaways became a friday night habit

I set a bit of a trend at work with chips & gravy - but I'd have them EVERY day!

I love cheesecake and I love brownies...2 for 1!

Really disgusting but so delicious, the Doner kebab (I've even enjoyed the frozen, microwaveable ones from Lidl) - Oh the shame

Mmm hot sausage rolls and mustard? Two please!

Onion rings are so versatile, they can be eaten at any time

So...it's so OBVIOUSLY NOT poor old Fat Jeans fault is it?

Nobody, well, none of my friends who look healthy and lean, including my tiny Mum who after years of eating ryvita instead of toast with her 'dippy dippy egg' is now a miniscule size 8, NONE OF THEM EAT LIKE ME.

Sarah and Linda work bloody hard to maintain their fabulous figures but there was me, feeling sorry for my fat self whilst washing down the 9th slice of greasy (delicious) pizza with a glug of (gorgeous) chocolate milkshake.

I have got into terrible habits and although I make sure the kids eat small and well, I am suddenly aware that I am maybe not setting the sort of example I'd like to.

I would rather be a MILF than a FILF, (Fatty I'd Like to F*ck off) - ((I just made that up)), (((hahaha))).

So with this new realisation in mind, I have started again with the exercise and healthy eating.  I am not naturally inclined to want an apple when I'm feeling hungry but that is just a result of poor habits and laziness. So I am aware it's going to be very, very, VERY hard.

I weighed 12 stone 1 lb - ( 76.5kg)

I have been cutting out all the food above and eating a lot of salad.  A LOT of bloody salad.  I am stuck on what I can have with the salad that is quick and healthy.  I am eating tuna with it, or a small amount of cottage or feta cheese but I am needing inspiration there. 

I have been taking a packed lunch to work, (instead of relying on the temptations of the staff canteen), consisting of salad, fruit, a handful of almonds and 4 ryvita with marmite (I need these around 4pm so I don't fall down bonk at the gym at 5.30). 

I have cut back on coffee and tea as well.  I have two coffee's in the morning but I have mainly herbal or green tea during the day now and a nice cup of PROPER tea in the afternoon.  I'm also drinking more water.

So, a week of doing that and I weighed myself again on 3rd June 2011 and was 11stone 13lb  - (76.1kg), so a loss of 2lb.  (I was a bit pleased bu honestly thought the weight would just fall off me)!!

I've been listening to Sarah and upping my exercise regime which consisted originally of 20 minutes of reluctant treadmill work, where I'd break into a jog for two minutes here and there.  Now, I have gradually upped it to 1 minute fast walking followed by 4 mins running - repeated 5 or 6 times and followed by lots of crunches and crosstrainer and weights etc.  I also am trying to do Body Pump once a week as well.

So, I weighed myself on 6th June, 2011 and had lost another 2lb, down to 11stone, 11lb - (75.2kg)...hmmn, slow but gradual and sensible.

A further week of restraint and sweating and I weighed myself this Monday, 13th June, 2011 and weighed.....baring in mind that on the way into the gym I was thinking to myself excitedly, "right, I feel thinner and am definitely at least 2lb lighter as that is obviously how this weightloss thing works BUT I reckon I've lost a bit more than the last two weeks... I reckon I'm down to 11st 7lb" and I stepped on the scales....

BLOODY ELEVEN STONE, ELEVEN POUNDS STILL !!!! WHAT THE FUQUE?????!!!!

I very nearly thought, "OH SOD IT" and stomped off home but I didn't.  Something has changed. My attitude has changed towards the whole laziness and blaming everything else and POOR ME bilge I was spouting for the last 4 fat years.

So, I didn't go home.  I stuck the 'fat receipt' in my pocket and ran for a few extra minutes and did the plank for a few extra, shaky seconds. 

I was saying to Sarah, (who has been fantastic and full of encouragement and sarcastic honesty), that for years she was fed up that she had no waist - huge boobs, a flat tummy and long slim legs but she wanted a teeny waist as well.  Well, now, after years of exercising at home with Davina McCall DVD's and regular gym sessions and eating very healthy fresh food, little and often...(but still enjoying an indulgent chocolate habit), she now has a teeny tiny waist.  (GOOD ON YOU SAR)! So we agreed that I can be 9 stone again.  ( I am being realistic here - I was under 8 stone when I was riding the party train to coke city hahaha) - so I just want to be a size 10. A healthy size for my height and frame.

It'll be nice for S too as he met me when I was very slim and foxy and I have gradually turned into this wobbly mama - all he says is that I've given him two beautiful, perfect children and he finds me very sexy. He says he couldn't care less and wants to just get old together.

I'm sure that he is being kind and would rather I had been able to wear the monokini I'd bought for holiday - but when I tried it on, the fat sort of spilled out either side of the tummy panel, rather than concealing it, it enhanced it! YUCK HAHAHHA Even I had to laugh. It'd be nice not to care and just be confident and healthy, like some.... 

Along with this new attitude to food and exercise is a new attitude towards clothes. 

I am no longer going to buy dresses off eBay that are too small coz 'i'll fit into them soon'...NO! I will not buy another item of clothing until I am 10stone....ish

If anyone has any decent, fast, healthy snack ideas, lemme know.  I have started freezing Activia fat free yoghurts as they take longer to eat then and taste icy but nice. Not sure if it's ok to do that, in a food poisoning sort of way. If you know, tell me....although diarrhoea is a sure fire weight loss aid!

And that's it.  I will continue this battle of the bulge, this crusade against crispy duck, the fight with full english breakfasts and my war on wobbly bits and I will report back with weekly weigh ins. You are my witnesses.

And you are cheaper than Weightwatchers!

Lady HaHa

I just watched Lady Gaga on The Graham Norton Show on Youtube.  Not the singing bit, the interview. She was sitting next to Gwyneth Paltrow and an English actor & an Irish comedian.

I really didn't like her when she first came out. I remember thinking, "oh change the record love! it's all been done before", whilst watching the Just Dance video.  I felt a bit sad that women have to be like that to get on.

Now though, whilst watching her chatting away in her 'wedding dress' I just thought, "Aww she's really sweet and she's really doing what she wants to do".  She was quite funny too.  As was Gwyneth.  Two ladies, both doing exactly what they want to do for a living and neither one had a wrinkle.

They were both very, very slim too.

Imagine that, having loads of money and doing what you want for a living. 

I'd have an editing suite and a massive dressing up box, with wigs and clothes and I'd learn how to do proper make up where you can make yourself a huge nose and close set boss eyes, or a hunch back and a thin crooked smile. 

I'd make parodies of loads of songs.  I've wanted to do a spoof 'Hello' by Lionel Richie for ages but I can't edit and would laugh too much to do it in a series of long takes.

I used to work for a video production company and I learnt a bit of basic editing at college.

I have a tape of me and my friend that we sent to a small handfull of production companies, acting out comedy sketches that we'd written, starred in and edited, (we had use of the Avid editing suite at work).  We got a call from Victoria Pile at Talkback productions and went in to see her.  Twice. 
It was just before Green Wing and Little Britain came out and they were coming up with ideas for the Smack The Pony Christmas show.  Nothing came out of our visits.  Although some stuff we saw afterwards on telly showed hints of our ideas.  Maybe just a coincidence eh?

I'd love to have the money to be able to not have to go to other people to ask if they thought what I found funny was funny enough.  I'd have my own channel.

I would have a home like Alex James' from Blur.  His home was on MTV Cribs once.  It's just exquisite. 

I'd learn a few languages.  Chinese, Spanish and French.

I'd learn how to roller skate.

I'd learn to make wine and beer and I'd go fishing for massive fish.

I'd go to regular Pilates classes.  I'd learn to box.

I'd have laser hair removal and an eye lift and tummy tuck.  I'd also have micro dermabrasion and regular but light botox.  I'd go and get my hair done properly, all the time.

I'd get my parents a lovely home.  I'd get my family lovely homes and holidays.

I'd buy a couple of boxer dogs and some ex battery chickens. I'd build those chickens the best, most exciting and comfortable coop/mansion.

I'd learn to drive manuals!!! I can only 'drive' automatic.

I'd do yoga. I'd paint - I'd take an art class and do it properly.  I'd put my kids in really good schools, not boarding though.

I'd bloody love to be loaded.

I am that bit older now that when I look at people who I didn't like at first, I now think, "Good on you! You are one of the lucky few; doing what you want to do and not having to tow the line and shut yourself up".

Facebook Etiquette

If I comment on a friend's status, is it OK for a friend of theirs, who I don't know, to then address a response to me?

A friends daughter is getting bullied and I responded that I felt that if the bullies parents are aware of what their kids are doing but they're doing nothing about it, then that is bad parenting.  This prompted a lengthy response from her friend, lets call her Missy Moo.

So, Missy Moo basically reprimands me and says I am not being fair as my children could be bullies and ALL (yes, in capitals) ALL children act differently at school than when they are with us, their parents and NONE of us know what evil our children are up to.

I replied as calmly as possible but I really wanted to tell her to sod off.  I don't know Missy Moo and she's probably a very nice woman & all that but really??? Is it right to tell someone off for saying, "if parents allow their kids to be parasites, they are sh*t parents"? Missy Moo thought I was being unfair and disagreed so strongly that she kept responding.  To top it off, my friend said something along the lines of, 'ooh calm down you two and agree to disagree'. 

So, I deleted my three responses and left Missy Moo to argue with herself and just said that I had deleted my opinion and just hoped the little girl was allowed to enjoy school & learn. 

We need these guys!

I HATE BULLIES and I think they should be chucked out of school if they repeatedly do not respond positively to discipline.  They should be put on an island with other anti social folk and made to start from scratch, learning basic manners and taught stuff, like names of tree's and capitals of countries etc They should have their Nintendo DS' taken away and be made to read books and help old ladies across the street.  

Depending on the severity of the bullying, the bullies need to be punished accordingly.  I work in an environment where so much responsibility is passed on to others.
Unfortunately, the bullies seem to be winning at the moment. 

We need someone like Kick Ass to make a stand and sort out where the law, politicians, judges and parents have messed up.

You could see me in a green wet suit, mask & nun chukas near your town very soon!

Sunday Night, Bath Night!

Do you remember when you were little and you’d have a bath on Sunday night, (possibly more than that but I’m talking about Sundays here) ?  I'm almost sure we only had the one weekly bath, unless we were ill, then Mum would practically dettol us every time we coughed!

We’d have to share a bath, me and my bro and I can remember watching my Mum run the bath for us and she’d be a bit mean with the bubble bath but on the odd occasion that my Dad would run it, he’d tip half a bottle of Matey Bubble Bath in it and we’d watch excitedly as the bubbles grew and grew, like the magic porridge pot… (cook little pot, cook!).

 

So we’d have our bath and I’d put bubbles on my face to look like Father Christmas, or pretend I was a man in a shaving advert and use the pumice stone to ‘shave’ the bubbles off…ergh!

Once I was about 4 and I farted a bubbly bath fart but I didn’t realise it was more than a fart and my poor brother picked it up thinking it was a piece of chocolate, floating by!  I think the shared bathing stopped promptly after that.

After the bath, we’d get dry and dressed in our PJ’s… weirdly, I can remember my brother’s burgundy, striped, nylon numbers but I can’t remember mine.  I'd sit on a chair in the kitchen whilst my mum blow dried my hair with a slim-line orange hairdryer which was so weak that it’d take an hour to dry my 'page boy' but it was better than the odd 1960’s style blow up cap thing that they used before. You'd stick the bag on your head and it'd inflate with hot air! I think my auntie had worked in a hairdressers and it was one they were chucking out... hilarious!





Ah yes, much more modern...

The thing about 'Sunday Night, Bath Night' was that it was a real cosy, family ritual. We would have eaten our roast beef dinner on the dining room table and Dad would always finish first and he'd go back to his chair and put Grandstand on. Then we'd play, probably with our Action Men & Sindy's and clean out the hamsters cages, ( well, Mum would clean them while I would put the Hamster in the Sindy beach buggy), and we'd read, or make cakes with Mum, then it would be Sunday bath time.

So, after the bath and drying and pyjamas, we'd go into the front room and my Dad would be sitting in his chair, and we'd sit on the settee with mum. 

We'd all watch telly together and what an odd thing telly was then. Maybe 'That's Life' would be on, with a dog that could say "sausages", or a Robotics contest. Or Dick Emery, Benny Hill, Morcambe & Wise, or The Two Ronnies.  My Dad had a really loud raucous laugh in the 70's.  His laugh has matured with him. Or maybe telly isn't as funny as it was in the 70's.

There were some really eery dramas on BBC1 on Sunday evenings, about 6pm. I remember The Ghost of Motley Hall, with Sheila Steeple. And I remember a scary one off drama, with a girl who appeared in a frozen lake, a mirror and then again when the main character was carol singing....singing 'Silent Night' but I can never remember enough to try to find it on You Tube or anything and no one else has ever heard of it.

Oh and there was Sapphire & Steel, that could be scary too! And Tales of the Unexpected.  I remember the public safety adverts warning us not to play with fireworks, they were terrifying too!

Then, after watching this macabre mix of entertainment, we'd be packed off to bed. My Mum always read me a bedtime story thank God. Something like The Magic Faraway Tree, or My Naughty Little Sister. Something calming and innocent. I think I would have definitely had nightmares after all that dodgy telly if she hadn't read me one.

And that was it. That was Sunday Night, bath night.

 It was awful but we liked it!

TOTES, RAH!

Made in Chelsea is the new 'The Only Way Is Essex' style reality series.

It follows a group of, hmm, what are they? Rich, RIDICULOUSLY rich 20 somethings, who live in London.  Here are the characters...

left - right ; Amber, Francis, Millie, Caggie, Hugo, Spencer, Freddie, Rosie, (seated-Binky, Ollie, Gabby) and Cheska

The main characters are Caggie, Ollie, Hugo & Spencer...At least that is how I think it was set out but I believe that Francis, (who is my favourite) and Millie & Binky are coming up in the popularity ranks. 

Noticeably, if you're a fan of MIC, Funda is missing from the photo above. Funda is/was the long suffering Brazilian girlfriend of Spencer.  Spencer has 'loved' Caggie for years apparently...they are only 22 ish by the way... and I think that being able to have whatever you want may become very apparent to him when/if he finally gets to be BF n GF with Cag's.  You just want what you haven't got at that moment in time.

Hugo is proving very popular amongst my home girls, even though he resembles a young, thin Freddie Mercury at times.  He is sweet and funny and listens and talks.  He has a way of making the girls feel like he is their friend and only has their best intentions at heart.  He is Spencer's best mate and tells Spencer often, to stop being such a prat. 

Spencer is a huge prat who looks like teen wolf

Well, Spencer has been a prat so far in every episode, (Monday, E4 at 10pm) but I got a glimmer of a sense of humour from him this week, when he seemed to send himself up by acknowledging that he loved how the conversation, (a private heart to heart between Hugo & Caggie) had turned into being solely about him within moments of his gatecrashing their table.

Spencer, whom I couldn't stand until this Mondays episode, is probably just the way a lot of us would be if we were very young and very, very privileged.  By privileged I mean LOADED! Example, whilst being in Sketch bar, drinking their umpteenth pricey beverage, during their umpteeth night out that week, Hugo and Spencer decided on the spare of the moment to ring Caggie up and tell her to, "pack a bikini and bring Millie, we're taking you away this weekend for your birthday - our treat"!  They had, just like that, decided to go to Cannes for the weekend.  Now, I don't know about you but if I went to Sketch, or a similar bar in London, I'd have no money left to take my friend on a surprise birthday trip to Butlins, let alone Cannes.

Poor old Millie doesn't know if she's coming, (literally) or going as she went on a date with Hugo, after bidding for him in a charity auction, (yep, kids with grands, bidding for charidee), and had since, told him that she'd like a relationship with him, only to be told by Hugo, that he actually prefers Rosie.  This is after Millie has pulled out all the flirtatious stops to such an uncomfortably obvious level... (dresses cut to the bony naval,  constant hair swinging and sucking of straws...the eyelashes will fall out if she bats them anymore).  And to be turned down for Rosie who, (sorry Rosie) but has a permanently alarmed look in her huge, frightened eyeballs. Such a pretty girl but what's with the bulging eyes?

All Millie's flirting couldn't beat the power of Rosie 'The Retina' Fortescue!

STOP IT ROSIE! IT'S WEIRD! RELAX!  Rosie then turned Hugo down just to confuse matters, so he, (obviously devastated) promptly invites Cag's n Mils to Cannes.

So hardy & resourceful these boarding school children. They just dust themselves off and start again don't they?

Caggie is meant to be the star girl but I find her a little bland compared to the others AND I can't take her sincerity seriously all the time she's pouting the entire way through her best friend Millie pouring her flirty heart out about Hugo dumping her for Rosie Retina. 

Rah Rah pout rah

 


boo hoo hoo-go

 


You just don't do that.  If you were telling your BF that you'd found out your nan had a dicky heart, then looked up and saw a pout, wouldn't you think, "you'orrible c*nt"?! I would.  It might just be a nervous tic though and if it is, sorry Cags.

Cheska, ("Now that Ollie's dumped Gabby, we're stuck with her"), it seems is just as bitchy as Amber.  She proudly wrote a grovelling piece on Amber's event, (I think it was the launch of a line of overpriced trinkets or something), but Rosie spitefully delivered the 'bombshell' to Cheska that Amber found it 'offensive' to be called 'an IT girl'.  Amber might be a very pleasant girl but she doesn't come across like that one jot. 

Here's Ambo & Chesky BFF!!!

Maybe she hasn't developed her personality yet. 

She has a spiteful face that needs softening,  by offering a few pleasantries now n again, rather than the cutting, clipped comments she utters at the moment. Some of her modelling photo's are beautiful but the frosty persona she has in the series, makes her look hard & one dimensional. You'll end up looking like a lemon if you keep up the bitterness Ambo!

Ollie the wally has just announced he's Bi. I'm sure he meant to be sincere but again, the expressions are just odd! And his ex girlfiriend Gabby looked SHOCKED hahaha 



Gabs, I'm bi....



I know, I'm as shocked as you are!

Binky is sweet, Freddie's funnyish, "Ollie, if you wanna be a model ditch the make up and stop straightening your hair", Funda is best rid of Spencer and Rosie's dog does not need therapy - (it's your eyes that are scaring the poor mutt Rosie!)  BUT BUT BUT, my favourite is little Francis.  The way he skated in to the restaurant in a posh suit, with a rose gripped in his hand, ready to play nerd and hand it over to his foxy date...and then he fell flat on his face.  He, in typical ex boarding school fashion, got up, handed the rose (to the rose) and didn't mention it. 

He is fabulous i think.  All twitchy and rich. Sitting at his desk in his office, in his company, studying a handful of diamonds, probably his.

He has the right mixture of nerdy school boy and young, powerful businessman. I also like the way he treats She Wolf Agne,  (that's a point, maybe Agne & Spencer should get together and produce little cubs). Agne is Francis' PA from Lithuania.  She is overtly flirty with everyone and very aware of the effect she has on the male species but Francis cuts her off in such a charmingly, inoffensive, twitchy way. 

Aww Francis.

  TOTES RAH!