Thin Me and Fat Me - THE SALAD DODGER !

I don't think I have ever thought to myself, "OOh I really fancy some salad".  It's just not in my make up.  The things I crave are meat, cheese, sugar, bread and chocolate.   

I've been blaming ballooning from a small size 10 to a very large size 14, (not huge but I have small bones and a humungous belly) and growing from 8.5 stone to 12 stone 2 lb, on having my children at a relatively late age, 34 & 36. 

See, I've always thought of myself as a natural small size 10 (UK) and always weighed about eight & a half stone. 


Crap dive but nice flat tummy!



Here I am at age 24 ish - 14 years ago...

A real scary test is showing your very young and very honest offspring, photo's of you in your prime and asking, "Do you know who that is"?

Actually, I say "in my prime" but the reason I was so thin and could eat what I liked with no exercise was that my diet consisted mainly of cocaine and Jack Daniels.  I was a bit mental, young, with other young people, living on a holiday island and I had no one to answer to.

The downside to being thin and tanned was anxiety attacks and brittle hair.  But, I looked great, I thought. 

Nowadays, 14 years later, (and this is very brave/uncomfortable and a mark of RIGHT, THAT'S IT), I look like this....

The wind is inflating my top ... a little!

At 38 years of age I resigned myself to the fact that having kids had unearthed the fat gene, or Fat Jean as I like to call her! 

The round, padded shoulders and chest and bloated face.  The huge tummy that I try to conceal with baggy tops.  Here it is actually being enhanced some what by a freak gust of Maltese wind, (we were on holiday in Malta - I hadn't farted from scoffing mountains of Maltesers).

So, whilst my girlfriends are looking more gorgeous and leaner as they near the big FOUR O, I had kinda given up, thinking that this was me now and at least I have my health.

XXXXL Muffin Top!!!

Here is another photo from the same batch.  My legs are ok and I know I am not enormous, so I don't want larger ladies, or people with thyroid problems having a go at me and thinking, "stupid cow"!  But, what I am saying is this, I honestly thought it was just down to age and babies.

I have destroyed numerous photo's of us where I just look AWFUL but had I looked slimmer and healthier, the pics would definitely be on show in family albums. One particularly unforgiving pic of me from this holiday, sunbathing in a bikini that I also wore when I was 9 stone, (and should not have really worn as it looks far too small now), is being kept as a sort of reference for when I do lose some weight.

I love the likes of Sophie Dahl, (before she shrunk) and Marilyn Monroe but I just don't look good with fat on my bones...not 3 extra stone of it anyway.

And another thing is that the looks stop.  I do not carry weight well at all and as a result, Christina Hendricks I aint and so I get absolutely no male attention at all.  This shouldn't bother me as I am with my soul mate and happily settiled but everyone enjoys the odd admiring glance from a stranger.  I remember at my thinnest and least healthy, a car load of Canarian lads stopped to let me cross the road and were staring so much that they crashed into a parked taxi in front!  In the words of Martine McCutcheon, "That was my moment"!

It's not just men who are less friendly to 'Fat Jean'.  When I attend Body Pump classes, I smile at people but often, they are frosty and clicky.  I'm not a local as I was born and brought up nearer to London, so I am not 'one of the gang' but still, I get the feeling that if I was super toned and lithe, they would probably smile back and strike up conversation.  I end up chatting a bit to the older ladies and the two older men that go. Appearance is everything to some people eh?  Very sad and very shallow.

The saddest thing, apart from missing out on loads of gorgeous fashion trends over the last 5 years due to the Baba Papa belly and bum, is that I have gradually stopped driving the hours journey to see my best friends, Sarah & Chareen because I just feel too fat and mumsy to be dolled up and socialising in a bar.  Isn't that bad?

I look at pics of Linda, my virtual friend of Linda and her twaddle blogging fame, and I read her posts where she peppers them with tales of numerous exercise classes, charity marathons and 'Tough Chick Challenges' and she looks amazing and she is nearly ten years older than me.  I just thought, "lucky b!tch, she has incredible genes".  And the same was thought about Sarah, "oh she hasn't had kids yet and she just has a fast metabolism"!  Porcelain skinned Chareen has decided suddenly to stop eating bread and cheese and just like that, whole stones have droped off her.  Again, I put it down to my pregnancies unsurfacing Fat Jean.

Poor me! NOT!

It just dawned on me last month that the reason I am unhappy with my appearance is because I eat like a pig.  Literally.

No wait! Pigs probably eat much healthier and far less than me. 

When I am thinking about food and what I might fancy for lunch, dinner, mid morning snack, mid afternoon snack, elevenses, brunch, evening snack, treat, weekend splurge, I think of food and drink like this...

I'd eat a whole large Dominoes Mighty Meaty to myself once a week, usually Saturday followed by Ice cream...with added cream

   

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Drinking litre bottles of this delicious muck piled on the fat over 2 Christmas



I LOVE fillet steak and pile on the dauphinoise potatoes too

extra huge Toblerones would last me two days!

 

On the rare occasion that I'd find proper powdered milk bottles, I'd scoff a family size packet in minutes



Macdonalds is far too convenient when I've been clothes shopping but not bought anything coz nothing fits

cheese - EVERYONE LOVES CHEESE - even our hamster and a packet of crisps with an added lump of chedder is great!

Nachos with chilli would give me the sh!ts but I just couldn't say no

Chinese takeaways became a friday night habit

I set a bit of a trend at work with chips & gravy - but I'd have them EVERY day!

I love cheesecake and I love brownies...2 for 1!

Really disgusting but so delicious, the Doner kebab (I've even enjoyed the frozen, microwaveable ones from Lidl) - Oh the shame

Mmm hot sausage rolls and mustard? Two please!

Onion rings are so versatile, they can be eaten at any time

So...it's so OBVIOUSLY NOT poor old Fat Jeans fault is it?

Nobody, well, none of my friends who look healthy and lean, including my tiny Mum who after years of eating ryvita instead of toast with her 'dippy dippy egg' is now a miniscule size 8, NONE OF THEM EAT LIKE ME.

Sarah and Linda work bloody hard to maintain their fabulous figures but there was me, feeling sorry for my fat self whilst washing down the 9th slice of greasy (delicious) pizza with a glug of (gorgeous) chocolate milkshake.

I have got into terrible habits and although I make sure the kids eat small and well, I am suddenly aware that I am maybe not setting the sort of example I'd like to.

I would rather be a MILF than a FILF, (Fatty I'd Like to F*ck off) - ((I just made that up)), (((hahaha))).

So with this new realisation in mind, I have started again with the exercise and healthy eating.  I am not naturally inclined to want an apple when I'm feeling hungry but that is just a result of poor habits and laziness. So I am aware it's going to be very, very, VERY hard.

I weighed 12 stone 1 lb - ( 76.5kg)

I have been cutting out all the food above and eating a lot of salad.  A LOT of bloody salad.  I am stuck on what I can have with the salad that is quick and healthy.  I am eating tuna with it, or a small amount of cottage or feta cheese but I am needing inspiration there. 

I have been taking a packed lunch to work, (instead of relying on the temptations of the staff canteen), consisting of salad, fruit, a handful of almonds and 4 ryvita with marmite (I need these around 4pm so I don't fall down bonk at the gym at 5.30). 

I have cut back on coffee and tea as well.  I have two coffee's in the morning but I have mainly herbal or green tea during the day now and a nice cup of PROPER tea in the afternoon.  I'm also drinking more water.

So, a week of doing that and I weighed myself again on 3rd June 2011 and was 11stone 13lb  - (76.1kg), so a loss of 2lb.  (I was a bit pleased bu honestly thought the weight would just fall off me)!!

I've been listening to Sarah and upping my exercise regime which consisted originally of 20 minutes of reluctant treadmill work, where I'd break into a jog for two minutes here and there.  Now, I have gradually upped it to 1 minute fast walking followed by 4 mins running - repeated 5 or 6 times and followed by lots of crunches and crosstrainer and weights etc.  I also am trying to do Body Pump once a week as well.

So, I weighed myself on 6th June, 2011 and had lost another 2lb, down to 11stone, 11lb - (75.2kg)...hmmn, slow but gradual and sensible.

A further week of restraint and sweating and I weighed myself this Monday, 13th June, 2011 and weighed.....baring in mind that on the way into the gym I was thinking to myself excitedly, "right, I feel thinner and am definitely at least 2lb lighter as that is obviously how this weightloss thing works BUT I reckon I've lost a bit more than the last two weeks... I reckon I'm down to 11st 7lb" and I stepped on the scales....

BLOODY ELEVEN STONE, ELEVEN POUNDS STILL !!!! WHAT THE FUQUE?????!!!!

I very nearly thought, "OH SOD IT" and stomped off home but I didn't.  Something has changed. My attitude has changed towards the whole laziness and blaming everything else and POOR ME bilge I was spouting for the last 4 fat years.

So, I didn't go home.  I stuck the 'fat receipt' in my pocket and ran for a few extra minutes and did the plank for a few extra, shaky seconds. 

I was saying to Sarah, (who has been fantastic and full of encouragement and sarcastic honesty), that for years she was fed up that she had no waist - huge boobs, a flat tummy and long slim legs but she wanted a teeny waist as well.  Well, now, after years of exercising at home with Davina McCall DVD's and regular gym sessions and eating very healthy fresh food, little and often...(but still enjoying an indulgent chocolate habit), she now has a teeny tiny waist.  (GOOD ON YOU SAR)! So we agreed that I can be 9 stone again.  ( I am being realistic here - I was under 8 stone when I was riding the party train to coke city hahaha) - so I just want to be a size 10. A healthy size for my height and frame.

It'll be nice for S too as he met me when I was very slim and foxy and I have gradually turned into this wobbly mama - all he says is that I've given him two beautiful, perfect children and he finds me very sexy. He says he couldn't care less and wants to just get old together.

I'm sure that he is being kind and would rather I had been able to wear the monokini I'd bought for holiday - but when I tried it on, the fat sort of spilled out either side of the tummy panel, rather than concealing it, it enhanced it! YUCK HAHAHHA Even I had to laugh. It'd be nice not to care and just be confident and healthy, like some.... 

Along with this new attitude to food and exercise is a new attitude towards clothes. 

I am no longer going to buy dresses off eBay that are too small coz 'i'll fit into them soon'...NO! I will not buy another item of clothing until I am 10stone....ish

If anyone has any decent, fast, healthy snack ideas, lemme know.  I have started freezing Activia fat free yoghurts as they take longer to eat then and taste icy but nice. Not sure if it's ok to do that, in a food poisoning sort of way. If you know, tell me....although diarrhoea is a sure fire weight loss aid!

And that's it.  I will continue this battle of the bulge, this crusade against crispy duck, the fight with full english breakfasts and my war on wobbly bits and I will report back with weekly weigh ins. You are my witnesses.

And you are cheaper than Weightwatchers!