Let it all Out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahJ6Kh8klM4

I'm feeling a bit fragile.

I've had the worst moods for the last 7 days and thought it would ease off but today I feel really, really sad.

I went to Docs last night regarding the trapped nerve/numb arm and it was good.  He gave me loads of stronger anti inflammatory tablets and has referred me for physiotherapy and an MRI scan, as the neck/shoulder problems have been coming back for years, even though this is the first time I've felt numbness. 

Whilst in the doctors waiting room, I was flicking through an old Good Housekeeping magazine that had Lulu on the cover.  I actually took a photo of two recipes out of the mag, Ginger & Thyme Chicken Meatballs and Smoked trout Jacket Potato (with sweet potato).  I will attempt to make these at some point in my life but last night we opted for cheap n easy lambs liver, bacon, mash, cabbage n leeks and onion gravy.

I met my new team leader at work a couple of days ago and it's left me feeling a bit uneasy.

She's probably very nice but I just didn't feel an instant rapour.  I felt on edge and like the whole meeting was a bit corporate and guarded.  Probably more on my side than anything.  It's all so unsettled at the moment.  It's hard for all involved in any sort of restructure that involves cutting costs.  I hope she saw through my awkwardness and didn't feel it was personal.  I do miss my old boss though. 

Me, S and the kids were sitting in the garden on Sunday evening with radio 6 playing on the PC and me & S were squashed into the corner of the patio, desperately craving the last square metre of sunshine before it set behind our home, watching the kids giggling and wrestling on the lawn.  Nightswimming by REM came on and S turned to me and said, "if I ever suffer a bump on the head or something and lose my memory and don't know who you and the kids are, please just know that I have had the best time of my life since I've met you Deb".

REM are definitely a band to play when you fancy 'letting it all out'.  Personally, Day Sleeper makes me cry but I have stuck the link for Nightswimming at the top of this post for you to play, because it really is a simple and beautiful song.

I read a friends blog post about her son being a bit off and her suggesting he step away from the computer and choose a board game for them to play.  He chose Monopoly and his mood lifted.  Even reading that made me emotional. 

The whole Amy Winehouse thing has had a weird effect on me, as has the waste of young innocent lives in Norway by that kunt who needs to be destroyed instantly. What the hell they're wasting time and money on him for beggars belief. Get rid!

I bought the Mail on Sunday, (because the advert tricked me into believing there was a £5 off voucher for TESCO inside but actually, you have to join the Daily Mails website and give your details first)... I would not under normal circumstances buy the Mail. 

I was reading an article in one of it's supplements by a middle aged woman who had gone out of her comfort zone, to a festival as her very new boyfriend was playing in a band there.  He'd invited her to camp with him, (in a posh tent).  The article was good at first but after a while, it was full of cliches about how some young leggy blonde hippy chick checked her in and how she had not a scrap of make up on blah de blah de blah.

Sometimes, it'd be nice to read a whole magazine that was packed full of women my age who were positive and confident and who didn't give a toss about what others thought.  No wonder we're all crippled with anxiety about our appearance, sexual prowess, talents, parenting skills etc etc

This morning, I played Adele singing 'Someone Like You', live at The Brits, (watch it on You Tube) and as her powerful, vulnerable, emotive, crowd silencing performance ended, my four year old son remarked, "she's got a bit of a fat face though hasn't she Mummy"?  That really p*ssed me off and got me questioning the sort of influence I am on my kids and how I must moan about my weight too much in front of them.  Why did he even notice fat, or thin?

It's summer holidays here and all the schools have broken up for 6 weeks.  The summer holidays always felt weird when I was younger as Mum didn't let me just go out and play as she was a huge worrier, so I rarely went to others to play, or had friends over and just wasn't allowed to walk round the corner to my friends house so I always felt cut off.  All these years later and I feel like that today.  My friends are miles away, or at work.  I still have no one to play with!

I'm getting my kids into sports and activities from an early age because from my experience, S has a lot more confidence than me and his childhood was completely the opposite to mine.  According to him, his Mum being very young, wasn't really ready to be a mum and hence, he was often playing out at four years old,  and even overnight, he reckons as early as eleven years!

As a result, he seems relaxed, adaptable and streetwise, where as I am cautious and guarded.  He panics and fusses over our kids though and I tend to push them and want them to toughen up.  We both cuddle them and encourage them a lot though, so it works.  It works really well.

It's one of those nothing days.  The sky is grey and just so still.  I'm off today with the kids and have been making stuff out of Lego but they now want to watch CBBC.  The days where you have nothing to do, nowhere to be and no one telling you to hurry up are very rare.  Me and the kids are enjoying slothing about, unbrushed, unwashed and still in our PJ's.

Things are changing.  Work, family, relationships, friendships, age, health.... things that we have not much control over. 

Colleagues who I class as real friends have been moved to other areas, under the new structure. 

I am trying to potty train my daughter and my son is starting school soon.

On Sunday, my son ran into the kitchen crying uncontrollably.  He'd been playing in the garden and something had happened.  Both S and I thought he'd been stung and ran to where he'd been playing and asked him to calmly tell us what had happened.  He pointed to a hole in the fence and forced the word, "HAMBO" out, before crying again. 

I jumped up onto the fence and peered over it.  There I caught a glimpse of white fur, disappearing behind a plant pot.  Our son had snuck his hamster, John J Hambo, out to play in the garden and he'd escaped into next doors garden through the gap, to have a nose around.

The neighbour guided Hambo back towards the hole and he crawled back to the safety of S's hands. 

It was a real eye opener for me and S and we realised then that our four yr old son had matured and developed a real nurturing, caring 'friendship' with the little hamster who til then, I'd bought on a whim and S had thought was a bad idea.  We've had him for almost 3 years now and he's just sort of there, being fed and cleaned out by me.  To our son though, he's always been there and means more to him than we gave him credit for.  It really was a lovely moment, if you know what I mean?

This post is a bit disjointed and all over the place but I suppose it is how my brain is functioning today.

I'm fed up of moaning, (although I, rather obviously from this post, will not stop) and am trying to do positives to lift my mood.  Exercise. Drinking water. Apologising.

I am attempting to write a children's book.  I am stuck on Chapter three, which in positive speak means, I have got off to a good start and written two chapters that I like, out of thin air.  My son laughed in the right places too, so that's a good sign.

Books are funny things.  I never got into Harry Potter and have never read even one of the books and until last weekend, had never even watched one of the films all the way through.  I did however, watch The Chamber of Secrets, from start to finish, curled up on the settee with both my kids and S on the other settee and thoroughly enjoyed it.  It's the only really magical, atmospheric 'kids' film I've seen in years. 

As a kid, I loved Bedknobs & Broomsticks and Wizard of Oz and Charlie & The Chocolate Factory with Gene Wilder.  Since then, there's been bugger all to really get into for kids.  In my opinion. 

A friend bought my son a few of the Horrid Henry books, for his 4th birthday and after catching a bit of the series on telly, I thought it was inappropriate, like the AWFUL Tracy Beaker.  Just a rude kid back chatting and disrespecting all grown ups, for laughs.

I decided recently to give Horrid Henry another chance and started reading the books again. 

Yeah, I would clip Horrid Henry round the ear if he were my kid but he isn't.  And Just like I used to read Burglar Bill, or My Naughty Little Sister and thoroughly enjoy reading about how disobedient she was but didn't want to act like them, my son chuckled all the way through the Horrid Henry books.  We're going to watch Horrid Henry 3D next week at the Cinema.  Can't wait!

At the end of Horrid Henry Rocks, Henry finds himself on stage at a 'babies' concert and through sheer embarrassment blurts out a horrid poem, "Granny on her crutches, push her off her chair, Shove shove shove shove, SHOVE HER DOWN THE STAIRS"!

Well, my son thought this was the funniest thing he'd ever heard and promptly rang my mum, to sing it down the phone to her!  Luckily he was laughing so much that she couldn't really get what he was saying.

I am not feeling quite as fragile after writing this.  Sometimes, you just need to let it all out eh? 

Thanks for listening.



Three



good



books

    

The kids with John J Hambo