I'm not dissin' Oscar Wilde or anything, I enjoy reading bits of his work when I'm feeling 'booky'. It's just that Me and a couple of friends got talking yesterday about ageing, when one said her Nan had Alzheimer's already and had taken a turn for the worst, meaning she may not pull through this time.
Last Sunday when we had my parents over for dinner, my Mum was showing me her new necklace and I noticed how swollen her knuckles were. She makes a real effort to look 'trendy' and is lovely and slim. She's 64 though and her aches and pains affect her a lot.
Then, I just read about how a friend has been on holiday and whilst they were gone, their Father in Law passed away.
I remember when my Dads mum was deteriorating after suffering many strokes and she wept and asked my Dad to give her pills to let her go to her last sleep. He couldn't do it of course but I think he would have liked the option. Nobody wants to see their loved ones decline and lose their dignity. Just yesterday My friend said her and her mum were discussing it, after having to visit hospital for a minor injury and her Mum said she'd want to be 'finished off' with dignity and self respect.
A few years ago, I walked into a care home to visit my Mums mum, who was a beautiful, vibrant, funny woman and I hadn't seen her for a while. I walked into the room expecting her to be just so but remember the shock at seeing a tiny, frail, frightened looking old lady, who looked embarrassed to be seen. My beautiful Nan was just another old lady in there. I'm sure there are a lot of care workers who do just that, care, at least I hope there are but in most places, it's boring, badly paid, dismal work, looking after people you have no feelings for.
I massaged almond oil into my nans hands & nails, filed and painted them and applied soft make up and styled her hair. She kept looking up at me and saying, "thank you, my darling, thank you".
When we left her, we felt so sad. If the staff knew her before she had become so helpless, if they had the memories and experiences and laughs with her that we had, they would not just leave her like that.
Years later when my Grandad was in the same place, after my Nan had passed away, he used to just sit in his room and read complex literature and watch Countdown. He refused to go downstairs in the lift to sit with the others. One day, we brought our dog in with us and one of the female carers made a big fuss over her and chatted happily to my Mum about puppies. When she left the room, my Grandad said he had asked repeatedly for a cup of tea and after nearly two hours, when he still hadn't received one, he managed to get her attention and he said, "I have been asking for a cup of tea for two hours now, could you bring me one"? And she replied, "SAY PLEASE"!...he replied, "excuse me young lady but I have said please several times"... she muttered at him about "having no manners" and reluctantly brought him a warm tea a few minutes afterwards.
My Grandad was an officer in the RAF during world war 2. He had impeccable manners and class. He always wore suit trousers, crisp shirt and blazer, even at the weekends. Until he became too weak to stand unaided and had to be dressed by others. They then chose to put him in jogging bottoms and sweatshirts. I suppose they deemed them to be warm, cheap and low maintenance.
I must admit, I wanted to punch the girl. Had it been nowadays, I would have been a lot more confrontational but we politely mentioned it to the Manageress as we left and hoped that this wouldn't cause my Grandad to be ignored even more.
On another visit to him, we left and were walking down the corridor and my son, who was just toddling, wandered into an old lady's room, a few doors down from my Grandad. The old ladies eyes lit up at seeing my baby smiling up at her and waving. "Oh hello handsome"! she beamed in her loudest broken whisper... My son babbled enthusiastically back and the woman looked at me and said "Oh do come in for a short while please"... As me and my mum stepped into her room, an abrupt middle aged carer stomped up to her and said in an authoritative tone, "NOW ELSIE YOU LEAVE THESE PEOPLE ALONE" and then turning to us, said dismissively, "Come on, don't mind her, she's always troubling other peoples visitors, especially if they've got babies with them" and she shoooshed us out of the room.
"We can spare a few minutes"! I responded but the carer made excuses that, 'Elsie needed her supper now" and we walked away, feeling like we'd been told off for caring.
This sounds like a really depressing post now but I didn't mean it to be. I was just wondering about the quote that, "youth is wasted on the young". Being young, really young is what makes you youthful though isn't it?
Once you hit a certain age and are aware of certain things and have had certain experiences and dealt with certain types of people, your youthfulness seeps away from you. It's replaced with experience, doubt, memories, wisdom, awareness, consideration, warmth, empathy and cautiousness. So the term, 'youth is wasted on the young' doesn't really add up because it's only when you are very young that you can naturally be youthful, unless you have been kept in a safe little bubble with nothing but fairy tales and toys for company.
As we age, it's our adult lives that we can waste. If we don't learn from mistakes, or continue to be rude and selfish to others and if we show disregard for the feelings of others and don't care about our immediate surroundings and the belongings of others.
I've mentioned before on my old blog theinvisiblewomanuk how everything nowadays seems convenient and replaceable. Well that's progress isn't it? As we progress and scientists become cleverer, lots of things can be replicated and reproduced. With that gradually comes the attitude of ,'oh well, we'll just get another one'...and in turn, our children may not have the same idea of worth, towards their possessions and even themselves.
The only thing that cannot be replaced is life. Individual lives, not life as a whole. We all know about Dolly the Sheep.
When we are too old to be able to go out and experience our lives for ourselves. When we are too frail to be able to do basic tasks, that we have taken for granted, we should look after each other. Respect each other.
I'm having to reapply for my job, ( a job that I've been doing for the last seven years), where I deal with a lot of people who have little empathy for others and where most of their day to day experiences and encounters with others turn negative and aggressive.
I am having to write down why I should be kept on. I am having to sell myself. It wasn't my dream job by any standards and over the years, I have moaned a great deal about it. As a parent who is seeing two children through nursery and struggling to be able to take them on their first holiday, (the first holiday for Me and S in 6 years), it is an odd and uncertain time. I am suddenly being forced to think about what I have to offer a role that I have taken for granted. Maybe like the staff in the care homes I mentioned earlier, I had become nonchalant and routine about my work.
In the last few months though, I have been really listening to the callers and I can honestly say that it's the older ones who are intelligent, funny, sensible and genuine. The majority of the young customers are completely ignorant of the luxury of their youth. They ring us to moan and wail and screech and swear about the most menial issues. One recently, who has been housed by us in a homeless hostel as she came to us as a vulnerable parent with no money and no roof over her, or her babies head, rang and shouted at me because I said she couldn't have Sky Plus installed !!!!! Maybe Oscar Wilde was right... youth is definitely wasted on some!
Well, it's bank holiday Friday here in England and the weather is uncharacteristically hot and sunny.
From my kitchen table, where I am typing now, I can hear the birds singing in the beautiful trees over hanging our fence. The bright spring sky is twinkling like diamonds through the dancing leaves. I can also hear my children crashing around and laughing, youthfully.
Hindsight comes with experience, once you have messed up the thing you've just learned how to care for.
Life is wasted easily. I know I have wasted opportunities but my mistakes have brought me to where I am now. If I had done things differently, made different choices, I may not have met S, who is undoubtedly my soul mate. We would not have had our kids, who are amazing, naughty, beautiful, annoying and hilarious in equal measure. I'd not have met the fantastic people I work with, who I've had great conversations and laughs with and not so great debates. I might not have met my friends who are like no others. Loyal, hilarious, giving, independent, cool and haughty.
It is hard to do but life is better when you are positive. Smile more, particularly at people you don't know. Say hello to old people. Look after your parents. Teach your kids the good stuff and try to shield them against the bad. They'll have plenty of time to experience adult life. Lets teach them how not to waste it.
