Natural

This morning we awoke to a promisingly pleasant temperature. 

'Oooh', I thought to meself, 'it's time'!

It was time indeed to expose a bit of wintry flesh.

S was downstairs with the kids, getting them their Shreddies/Weetabix combo and sticking on early (non PC) Tom n Jerry whilst I decided what to wear. 

What item could I dust off and just throw on my 38 yr old body, that'd give the 'boho' look I felt the sun deserved to see, in a kind of acknowledgement to it for bothering to show it's obviously agoraphobic rays for a change.

A nice white, knee length, strapless, broderie anglaise summer dress.  Perfect!

Bohemian/natural/hippy is a look suited to near enough everyone and I think as it's soft and floaty, not drag queeny, or over styled, it is a kind and forgiving look. 

Can't be arsed to shave? Chuck on a maxi dress. 
Spots & greasy hair? A wide brimmed, floppy hat. 
Bingo wings? A seventies cape.
Water retention in the ankles? Pull on some flares, (although beware the high waisted flare, as these can produce the most inflated looking front bottom)!

Yeah so I figured I would go for the natural boho look.  Earth mother!

Trouble is, the older you get, the longer the 'natural look' takes to achieve.

When I was in my late teens, early twenties, I would literally chuck on a pair of cut downs, DM boots and any old top and maybe a bit of mascara, if I remembered.  Others my age would be into the whole blow drying, full make up (inc lip liner aaagh) and I never understood it.  I never needed it. I can blow my own trumpet nowadays because it is like I'm talking about another woman entirely!

Anyway, at 38, it is not a case of just throwing on a short sun dress and strutting down the high street like a confident BeeGee in the Staying Alive video, oh no! Those days have well and truly gone for a Burton. 

Firstly, you have to try the dress on.  Yep, it did fit you last year but anything can happen in a year. The cellulite may have crept down even further, or the boobs may have dropped another inch.  Are the triceps still tight enough to even allow a strapless number?

Dress on. It fits, (thank you Body Pump) but the skin looks a bit crepey. 

Ooh, the elbows, were they baggy last summer? The veins on the back of my knee are more visible or is that the light? Hmm, fake tan will cover them a bit. 

So, get the old body brush out and literally attempt to scuff all the dull, dead skin off, trying to unearth some sparkling, collagen filled dermal layer - a bit like panning for gold in a dry old forgotten desert.

I then notice, as I have to get into all sorts of unforgiving positions, that the cellulite has indeed lumped it's way nearer to my knees, so I decide I will need to shower with the Brillo pad-like scratch mitts on and try to rub and squeeze the porridge in the thighs back up under my bum cheeks where it belongs.

Obviously the razors have to come out too, luckily not for the chin yet though. 

And the hair is wet now so I will have to bloody wash that too. 

A normal person with a normal hairstyle would of course just naturally wash their hair in the shower anyway but when you are growing out a short bob and it's at the stage where no matter how much you straighten it, or what serum you coat it in, you look like a Anne Widdecombe, then when it's resembling some sort of style, you try to leave it alone. 

Each time you wash it, the angrier it gets.

So, once out of the shower, the cocoa butter has to be lavished on. Thick gloopy amounts are a necessity as when you age, the skin gets dull and crepey.  It needs all the cocoa butter you can afford and if you are gonna fake tan, then you need around half a tub per knee cap, elbow and heel as well.

The toe nails are already painted and short.  Remarkably, I bothered to tend to my winter feet only a couple of nights ago.  They were a sorry sight after months of hibernation in thick socks.

Allowing the various potions and lotions to dry off and sink in gives me time to do the face. 

Yeah, I know I said I was going for the natural look but it takes a lot of work these days. 

I have moisturised - which my enlarged pores look furious about but the deafening 'caws' from my crows feet meant I needed to slick in on. 

I pop on a teeny bit of fake tan, otherwise I'll look like a pint of Guinness. 

I must clarify, I am quite subtle with the fake tan and I'm positive I'd look Gothic against your average Essex chick.  My pores glare at me again but it's for the best.

I can hear the kids and S getting restless downstairs.  They are all still able to just 'wash n go'.

After all that, I dab n blend in some foundation that promises to match and enhance my natural dewiness. Bollocks! It does cover up the dark circles though, which is nice.

On top of that, as the fake tan will take hours to develop and the foundation is pale, I dust on some bronzer, (only a little as I find it has a horribly ageing effect.  Maybe coz it reminds me of the nineties). 

I then attempt the youthful, orgasmic look with a pink, mineral blusher.  I am frightened of this product coz it's not easy to apply and at my age, I could very easily get it wrong and just look menopausal. like I'm having a hot flush. 

I am now finally ready to draw on some eyes.  I have to lift my eyelids out of the way first as I don't want to catch them in my eyelash curler!  I then have to put drops in my eyes as some evil twist of fate has rendered me with bone dry eyeballs for the last few months, which I am hoping is just from the central heating being on and not the onset of some old woman disease, like glaucoma.

I draw on the eyeliner, thick and smudged - a life saver.  Layer on the mascara and apply some lip gloss.

Voila -the 'natural look' is complete.  Oh yeah, the hair.  The hair will not play ball.  It defiantly sticks up in the opposite direction to the one the straighteners are attempting to drag it in.  I yank my grown out fringe to the side and stick a grip in it.  DONE!

S rather liked the idea of me wearing high strappy sandals today, so I opted for my manly flat Birkenstocks.  I am wearing a dress for Gods sake! Baby steps, it's all about baby steps!

I come down stairs and my son says, "oh Mummy, you look very pretty".... my daughter looks surprised and says crossly, "my dress!" - it's not hers. She is a two year old bully.

S makes some saucy eye gesturing which includes a few eyebrow raises and a smirk... aww, kinda makes all the farting around worthwhile. 

We finally got out of the house and enjoyed the sun. 

Hopefully the start of a long, warm and pleasant spring/summer eh people?

I'd like to leave you with a song by The Secret Sisters that makes me think of balmy summer evenings.  they've got the most beautiful voices and are signed to Jack White's label -he of The White Stripes. ;)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6LojaxpCdw